Let me tell you a little story about when I was in college. It was a few years ago when swine flu was just a funny word for “flu,” and my roommate kindly shared her virus with me. It was one of the worst weeks in recent memory, filled with hot tea and misery. Even still, when it came time to go to class, I pulled on a pair of boot cut jeans and a jacket. (I even did my hair)
There has never been a time in my life when wearing sweatpants in public was appropriate. My parents would never allow it when I was a child, and now I never allow it for myself.
I was standing in line at Starbucks behind two twenty-somethings. They were both in matching sweatpants and grey North Face sweatshirts (honestly, is there a worse outfit?), ordering double crapaccinos and chocolate chip cookies. Every fiber of my being wanted to tell them. It would just take a few words to make my point. “Those ugly, overwashed, pilted, tacky, polyester sweatpants you are wearing make your ass look huge”
Okay, okay. I would have said something more poignant. In fact, I would have said “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat,” as I flipped my hair and strutted away, skim latte in hand.
Because they are. Sweatpants are a sign that life has defeated you. Fatigue has won. The microscopic viruses in your body are bigger than your self image. Laziness has taken precedence over your public image. Or – the worst of the worst – your lazy, tired peers have convinced you these are socially acceptable.
Because they aren’t. They aren’t socially acceptable – not for you, a stylish, tasteful, trend-setting, refined woman. Lady Mary wouldn’t wear them. Jackie Kennedy wouldn’t wear them. Pippa Middleton wouldn’t wear them. Reese Witherspoon wouldn’t wear them.
If that little pep talk wasn’t enough to convince you to tuck your sweats away, let me say with absolute certainty that no matter how thin you are, they make your ass look huge.
Instead of sweatpants, try leggings, jeggings, linen pants, or your favorite jeans.