Dear college freshman Christine,
You are probably standing there, waving as mom and dad drive away. Everyone laughed at the two truck loads of stuff you hauled in, but you really will use all of it. Especially the shoes. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
As they exit the main gate, your boyfriend will pull up in front of your dorm. Excellent job, Christine, you timed that perfectly. I am so proud of you.
The next few years will be weird. You will learn a lot about yourself. You’re going to cry a lot, and laugh even more. You learn things – about history, about education, and about yourself. You will graduate from university a completely different person. I won’t give away any important parts, but I want to give you a few pointers. These are important. If you screw this up, you might walk during graduation in a polyester, shapeless dress and flip flops like your classmates, instead of the Lilly Pulitzer dress and four inch sparkly stilettos.
On that note, you will get dressed. Every day. Even for 8a.m. classes. People will make rude comments, but you will stare at them in their sweatpants and sweatshirts and laugh. Don’t wear sweatpants to class, ever. Do your hair. Put on mascara. Trust me. You’ll be tired. You’ll be hungover. But Goddamnit, you will be cute.
You might go to a few parties. Let me say this once and only once – do not drink the jungle juice. That cute guy (who is not your boyfriend) will offer you a cup of slimy, green liquid. You might smell it, and he will say something like “nah bro, its coo, it tastes like Mountain Dew.” Yeah, don’t do it. In fact, don’t drink at these parties. Pour some coke in your ever-so-classy red solo cup and pretend there is rum in it. Bring your boyfriend as often as possible. He makes a good body guard against drunken classmates, who suddenly feel this is a good time to profess their love or admiration for “dat ass.”
Speaking of “dat ass,” stop eating pasta. Oh God, I know, you won’t listen to me. Pasta is so good. It is the food of the God’s. Also, those cinnamon buns from Starbucks you eat every day for breakfast aren’t really 300 calories like you keep telling yourself they are. And those lattes that are “just milk, how bad could it be?” are 300 calories. Eat some fruit. Drink some tea. You’re going to gain 25 pounds in college. Suck it up.
(note: even after 25 pounds, boys still like you, so you must be doing something right)
Boys. You will always like boys. You will never be tempted otherwise. Although, at some points, nunnery sounds like a good idea. But your boyfriend – love him fully, deeply, and unconditionally. He will be very good to you. He will teach you things. He will love you. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but you’ll be surprised.
Don’t make friends. Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking. You want to make friends! You want to join a sorority! You want to be popular! Yeah, hahaha. Sorry, Christine. Girls are evil. Don’t make friends. The sororities on campus bond over Lady Gaga and their matching cigarette burns. You don’t need them. You have friends. And, surprisingly, after college you will find a really strange group of girls who love you, and tea, and Prince Harry. Just wait.
College will be a fantastic experience. You will love parts of it. You will hate parts of it. You won’t remember some parts of it. On graduation day, you will be a little tipsy (thanks, Kristen) but you will stun everyone with your Kate Middleton hair, your fantastic ensemble, and your dignity. You will sparkle and shine and everyone will be incredibly proud. Because you did it.
I love you, the person you were, and the person you will become,
College Graduate Christine